I snapped this selfie on February 16 while waiting for my routine mamogram. I wanted to keep this appointment and then we were set to leave for NC for the next 3 months to visit the kids and Avery.
After the mamogram I had to wait to make sure the pics were ok. They called me back for an ultrasound. They found a mass on my left breast and wanted a closer look. Due to how it looked, the radiologist and ultrasound tech were pretty confident it was malignant. I went in on the 23rd for a biopsy. I got a call from the radiologist today that the mass is malignant. It was described as an
Invasive, mixed ductal lobular carcinoma level 2/3 (Intermediate). That's it. That's the extent of what I know so far. The radiologist will refer me to the U of M Breast Cancer center where a team of doctors will work with us to determine the course of treatment. I have no family history. I do not have the breast cancer gene.
This feels so surreal. Like how can this be happening to me? I lost all that weight, changed my eating, gave up alcohol, and try to walk most days. I am feeling a little shell shocked. One minute my life was GREAT and now my life is in limbo. I am generally a very optimistic person and am trying to remain so right now. I expect surgery will happen first and I am guessing it will be followed by chemo and radiation. I think they will have to look at the lymph nodes to see for sure.
How are you "supposed to " feel? I'm sad, scared, angry and anxious. It feels like I woke up in a nightmare. I know lots of people go through this. I know treatments are the best they have ever been. I know we caught it as early as we could (nothing on last mamogram a year ago). In my head I can rationally tell you all those things. In my heart I just want to throw up and hide in a hole. I won't of course, being that I have no large holes to hide in and all but maybe in the spring.
Chris is worried. His mom died from cancer. I can't even imagine how he must be feeling. I don't want to talk to anyone, like at all. People ask me things I can't answer and when I say I don't know they ask the same thing in a different way and guess what? I STILL DON'T KNOW! Know what that does? It makes me even more worried and upset and really angry. I know they are trying to process too but at this point it's all I can do not to go try to dig that hole in the frozen ground!
I debated writing this post at all but I think I will keep a record of my journey here. It it is too much for you I understand. I will post other things as I can. I actually started a new quilt yesterday. It's called Sparrows. I think I will work on it this weekend to keep my mind out of digging that hole!
I suspected this was how things were going to go so we drove to NC from Thursday to Monday. We had an amazing time. It was good to see the kids and Avery. I got to see my friend Kailie too. It was WAY too short of a trip but good for my soul. We stopped at a place called Glen Ferris for lunch on our way home to MI. We drive by it and always talk about it so this time we stopped. The food was terrible, LOL. The pork chops were the worst, very dry, but the company was excellent and the view spectacular.
My oldest daughter told me she is due for a hair cut so if I wanted she would save her hair and we could mix ours together and make me a wig. That, that right there folks is love!
I hope I have not bummed out too many people. Please pray for me and for my family. I will be updating here and on IG as I know more.
~XOP~
Oh, Pam. I am sending you good thoughts and prayers for a complete recovery. I went through the exact same thing just 7 years ago. Yes, it is scary and unnerving. Focus on that sweet little guy and know that you got this! Feel what you feel, but know that you are a strong, capable woman who will make it through all of this. I will be here watching and cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteThis is bad news indeed. I am praying for you for quick healing.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you chose to write about this. I join so many people who know you either personally or, like me, through your blog, in wishing you good luck and good outcome in all of this. My sister is taking chemo now in order to shrink her breast cancer so that she can have surgery. She is probably going to have radiation as well. One day at a time--sometimes one hour at a time--sometimes even less--is how she is managing.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a huge shock but you can handle this. You are a strong determine woman and have a great family and support team (including us). Big hug and lets beat this.
ReplyDeletePrayers for all of you.
ReplyDeleteSaying prayers for you!
ReplyDeletePrays for you Pam. Focus on your family and don’t think about what may or may not come. One day at a time. Know that you are thought of. I’m sending hugs 🤗.
ReplyDeleteCette nouvelle me touche beaucoup même à des milliers de kilomètres. Je vous envoie plein d'ondes positives. Amicalement.
ReplyDeletePam this is not the news I wanted to read from you! I always enjoy your posts and family. You are one strong woman and I know that everyone is telling you that and some days you feel it and others definitely not. I am glad you shared, so we can send prayers to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI think the sparrow quilt is adorable and I hope it helps to keep your mind focused and brings you joy. I am glad to took the trip to see your family even if it was a short visit. I imagine those memories will bring you smiles as you fight this battle. I think it is gracious of you to share your journey.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this crappy news! No other way to put it. My heart goes out to you and lots of prayers too!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear this news. I, too, went through this when I was 36, my Mom died from Breast cancer and I have the faulty gene, so for me it was probably inevitable. I will say that in my case I did sleep walk through some of it which is the way my brain I think made be cope with the situation especially as the time as our Boys were 5 and 1 years old at the time. There were lots of other things happening as well so I think I just shut down but after the surgery I felt better knowing I was clear and I do hope that you get that diagnosis. Take care and sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. Hugs & Love, Susie xx
ReplyDeletePraying for Our Good Lord to completely heal you. Praying for God to bless you with extra strength & peace. Praying for your husband & family & friends as well. 🙏🌻💜
ReplyDeleteOh Pam I'm just reading this now and I'm so sorry you've had this wrench thrown into your life. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And yes, it's hard to know how you are going to feel as you go through treatment and recovery. I was that way when I was going through IVF treatments. I told everyone in the beginning to not ask any questions and if I felt like talking, I would. It drove my MIL nuts as she wanted to know what was going on but too bad. I needed to take care of me first. In retrospect, it was the right thing to do for me. It all was a lot to process during the many months I was dealing with it and I wasn't in the best place in my head to share it with anyone. Big hugs!
ReplyDelete